Something here seems to be working. The XL Lucky Charms shirt presently hangs on my ape frame in a manner suggesting that it might fit. Some day. 
Maybe by June 3rd even. Just maybe not June 3rd, 2010.
A major workout event went down on Wednesday, when I mounted my third elliptical machine for the normal final 30 minutes of my morning cardio assault and I stumbled into a McLardo TV jackpot: not only was it “Skinny Wednesday” on The 700 Club, but just three channels north, Oprah sat chatting with the author of Women, Food & God.
Again: yes, this is former Selwyn Harris writing these words. Publisher of HAPPYLAND. Entertainment Editor at HUSTLER. Berserk, angry addict of any number of substances and sensations that defined my maniacal existence for 41 years.
Same volcanic a-hole. Only now I’m on an elliptical machine, absolutely tickled to be able switch back and forth between Pat Robertson and Oprah. Non-ironically.
Way non-ironically.
The 700 Club has been a personal passion ever since it stopped annoying me by preempting Channel 11 cartoons and started amusing/amazing me as I developed boundless appreciation for outrageous hucksterism and an innate drag queen’s sense of camp.
This dramatic change happened when I was about five.
The absolute pinnacle of The 700 Club, for me, was a sci-fi serial they ran in the early ’90s dramatizing what Life in God’s Country would be like When the Liberals Take Over.
The hilarious re-education posters plastered everywhere in this showpiece ceased being hilarious to me when Mayor David Dinkins funneled tax dollars to “art”-fraud Jenny Holzer so she could vandalize the sacred marquees of the collapsing grindhouse palaces on 42nd Street.
She called the “truisms” and where the true poetry of movie titles such as I Spit on Your Grave, Make Them Die Slowly, and Mad Money Kung Fu once radiated, Holzer polluted 
the cityscape with repugnantly trite nonsense like: “All Surplus Is Evil”, “Everyone’s Work Is Equally Important”, and “It Is in Your Best Interest to Find a Way to Be Tender.”
When I read one that declared, “Raise Boys and Girls the Same Way,” I thought: “Yeah. Republican.”
Well, that was quite a McBeardo-style diversion, eh? See. Told you it was still me here.
Anyway, Pat got off two instant gems in the course of the single broadcast last Wednesday.
The first was on the connection between working too much overtime and developing heart complications. Advised Pat: “I think everybody needs to CHILL OUT!”
Then, when speaking on the disease gout, he instructed: “You have GOT to get off meat!”
As Lady McBeardo observed: “What a hippie!”
I also loved Jenny Ryan’s take: “Zen master!”
Since I knew my DVR was recording The 700 Club, as it does every “Skinny Wednesday”, I spent a lot of time watching Geneen Roth, the Women, Food & God lady, yammer with the Big O.
From a certain angle, one might boil down every issue in my life thus far to be a struggle with (and often against) women, food, and God.
I liked where that broad was coming from.
I also liked that she (and Pat) kept me on that machine for a full hour, upping my cardio workout that day to 123 minutes, peppered with arms and chest iron-pumping between sets. A first.
My lone indulgence remains Breyer’s Carb Smart ice cream pops, which, indeed, I publicly swore off right here on this blog a few weeks back. I wasn’t lying. I just failed.
As Jimmy Swaggart wept: I haff SIHHHHNED ag-inst you!”
So what good stuff do I eat?
Pre-workout, I gulp down an Atkins Shake, which is pure joy in its pre-made drink-box form, pure powdered misery if you try to make them yourself from a mix.
Breakfast is two Morningstar Farms meatless sausage patties and a generous (meaning: Mount Olympian) spoonful of some kind of nut butter, preferably containing flax seeds.
Lunch consists of two vegan Grillers patties. Snacks throughout the day are almonds and, again, nut butter scoops.
Dinner is an all-out orgy of delish rendered by Lady McBeardo, made up most often of mesclun greens, quinoa, barley, vegetable stock, sweet potato, mushrooms, and ground turkey, gorgeously dolloped into a bowl, thereby making it The Glop of the Gods.
Dessert is another Atkins Shake or, a few times per week, a Carb Smart pop or two. Okay, it’s always two.
On several of the 85 different fat people television shows I consume relentlessly, hot sauce has been recommended as a metabolism stimulant, and I most infernally recommend the Tabasco Smoked Chipotle variation. 
I am the Wuss of All Wussery when it comes to psycho-spicy foodstuffs, but this smoldery brew brings the heat but doesn’t reduce the inside of your mouth to a bouillabaisse of melted meat.
A lot of vitamins and other supplements get tossed into the mix as well, the most important—and most fun—of which is Wal-Mucil, Walgreen’s genetic take on Metamucil. Three capsules in the morning, three at night. Pure bliss on the bowl, twice a day.
See you next week. Actually, I won’t. But you’ll see me. Wheeee!
1 Comment(s)
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That Glop of the Gods sounds right up my alley.
And your marathon cardio session including intermittent iron pumping is definitely motivating me. Keep up the good work!